There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Barsexuality is the new black.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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