oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
babies were throwing up all over the place
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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