Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
