He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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