you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
