Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
