As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
someone owes me an orgasm
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
