I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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