All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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