He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
How naked do you want me to be?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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