So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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