seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
