Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
