At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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