The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
