There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
