I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want to make out with him forever
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
