since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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