She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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