i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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