Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
