Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
