I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
