It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
