How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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