Your face is a jimmy john
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
