man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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