THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
