I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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