I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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