I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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