my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The uberlube is also flammable
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
