Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
