the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
