1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
