I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
