keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
