u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
