I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
