Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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