as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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