My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
