So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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