Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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