apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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