So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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