I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
