he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
