i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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