Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
