I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
