I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
