saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
