A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
